James’s Mother

James has arrested his mother
It seems her main offence
Was publicly showing affection
And criminal dress sense

Though she whined for justice
And screamed “Who’ll cook the tea?”
James sited lots of other counts
Dating back to the age of three

The judge got very angry
Stating “Tea is no defence!
I think this case requires
At the least a death sentence.”

But James felt a prickle of conscience
Begged the judge for clemency
Suggesting community service
As long as she still cooked the tea

So his mother got off with a warning
And six hours a week digging roads
The boy had to agree for the sake of his tea
He would turn a blind eye to her clothes

On the Couch with Mrs Persons

Mrs Persons is hypnotised
By sound like a headache
Strutting through my head

Gawping at glowing white angels
In tattooed makeup
Serving rainbow food
From a cloud kitchen
With a life resistant surface

Mrs Persons longs for virtual babies
Dancing in remote controlled nappies
With perma-smiles

Are you in debt?
Get more in debt
Buy a holiday with the spare debt
Read the small print
Don’t forget

But don’t get old
Age must be surgically enhanced
Botoxed
Dyed
Exercised
And slimmed away

Mrs Persons will live forever
On a diet of friendly bacteria
Low fat celery
Plus added vitamins
Her bodily functions
Will be replaced by colonic irrigation
One less job for the mortician
Should she loose the battle for eternal youth