Once Upon a Time
It was Wednesday morning and the princess Aida Parcelbottom had just been rudely awoken from her hundred year nap by an enthusiastic labrador noisily licking at her toes. She’d read dozens of fairytales and it did not comfort her in the least that his name was Prince.
It was all Ursula’s fault, the old witch had spiked her drink at her sweet sixteenth ball, grr and all because she’d forgotten to invite her. Even so, as she slumped to the floor listening to Ursula’s demented laughter her best friend Fairy Feefie Trixibell Peaches promised she’d soon wake up refreshed and beautiful in the arms of a handsome Prince.
Love’s first kiss; she thought, not something with dog breath and a foot fetish. Yuck she surveyed the guiless creature chewing her duvet, this must never get out the paparazzi would have a field day.
“Mumsie!” she shrieked “mumsie where are you?”
An incredibly old woman arrived, still panting from having ascended four spiral staircases, “Albert” she croaked “she’s awake, our little girl’s awake”
An equally decrepit old man followed her after a few minutes, aided by a gem encrusted walking frame. “Well I never; are you sure?” he shook his golden hearing aid as if to change the answer.
“Don’t be silly Daddy” the queen snorted “I’d know my baby anywhere.”
“But she’s so, err you know… Isn’t our girl about 16, so tall, slender with long golden hair? She looks a bit rough to me”
“What do you mean Daddy” shrieked Aida “a hundred years? Aren’t I young? Aren’t I beautiful? Somebody pass me a mirror.”
The queen shook her head “I’m not sure that’s a good idea; I mean what can you expect after a hundred years? No you’ve decidedly gone to pot dear. Let’s leave it a few days till you’re feeling stronger. Anyway there are a few other tiny changes as well.”
“What changes?” squeaked Aida examining her grey locks with veiny callused fingers.
“Well first of all dear” said her Mother blushing “after you dropped orf to sleep, the leylandii around the palace shot up ridiculously. We couldn’t understand it; it was exceptionally wet that year but 240 feet in twenty-four hours seemed excessive. Anyway the neighbours complained to the council and they sent us an impossibly rude letter saying we had a week to cut it or they’d do it and charge us, the cheek of it.
Then things got really nasty all the papers started making things up, saying daddy had done you in, it was really horrid wasn’t it darling?
In fact all the nasty commoners became rather hostile, they’re not very bright after all. There were wicked incidents involving rotten eggs on walkabouts and often one arose to find lewd gwaffiti on the palace doors, it was all a tiny bit disturbing.
Anyhow we were advised by our PR people to go onto reality TV, to put our side of the story as it were.
It all went rather well at first. But the offers kept coming and gradually we lost all credibility. It was shameful there was Queen Swap where I had to rough it in a lesser-known principality where the woman kept corgis in the castle and all of her children were divorced; imagine.
Then there was I’m a Royal Get me out of here. It was horrid daddy and I had to eat baked beans and sleep in something called a council house. Imagine one was only allowed one body servant. But just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse there was a credit crunch."
“A credit what?” asked Aida.
“Albert!” the queen shrieked and kicked his walking frame “explain please”.
The king’s eyes shot open “Well err, err” he said “we don’t fully understand it ourselves; normally one doesn’t handle anything as common as money. But some imbecile invested our stuff heavily in Icelandic banks and it must have been so cold over there that it became frozen or something; there’s an email about it somewhere” he pointed at the computer.
“After that” said the Queen “things went from bad to worse. Despite showing a clear profit on pageants and royal visits the bank foreclosed on the family business. Eventually we sank so low we had to run the palace as a themed restaurant.”
“Yes” added the king “as you know your mother’s never cooked for a large party before. In fact, well to tell the truth she didn’t know at first which end to open a potatot at, so catering seemed the obvious way forward.
I don’t know who that Garden Rumsey thinks he is with all those F words. Just because we’d been letting things slide a tad in the palace kitchen.”
“Well Aida darling” said the queen, tears in her eyes “it’s a good thing you woke up today because we’ve decided file for bankruptcy and go live the dream in Spain.”
“Yes” said the king having totally failed here what we really need is the challenge of a totally unknown language and inexplicable legal system.”
“But what about me?” wailed Aida “I’ve lost my looks, I’m ruined financially and after a hundred years without brushing my teeth my breath is melting the paint.”
“Yes we know dear” said the queen wrinkling her nose. But don’t fuss, mumsie has sorted everything out. Whilst you were lazing about I got you a spot on a hundred years younger dear. There, there they’ll soon have my baby botoxed, lipro-sucked, coiffeured, manicured and degreased.
And Daddy's been at it too he sold your story to Hello magazine who want you to do an article on sleep disorders.
Cheer up! If it all goes wrong you can always visit us in Spain, well once your father has renovating our new 800-year-old Castle that is. Better start reading up on DIY now Albert, Albert! Oh do try and stay awake dear...”
It was all Ursula’s fault, the old witch had spiked her drink at her sweet sixteenth ball, grr and all because she’d forgotten to invite her. Even so, as she slumped to the floor listening to Ursula’s demented laughter her best friend Fairy Feefie Trixibell Peaches promised she’d soon wake up refreshed and beautiful in the arms of a handsome Prince.
Love’s first kiss; she thought, not something with dog breath and a foot fetish. Yuck she surveyed the guiless creature chewing her duvet, this must never get out the paparazzi would have a field day.
“Mumsie!” she shrieked “mumsie where are you?”
An incredibly old woman arrived, still panting from having ascended four spiral staircases, “Albert” she croaked “she’s awake, our little girl’s awake”
An equally decrepit old man followed her after a few minutes, aided by a gem encrusted walking frame. “Well I never; are you sure?” he shook his golden hearing aid as if to change the answer.
“Don’t be silly Daddy” the queen snorted “I’d know my baby anywhere.”
“But she’s so, err you know… Isn’t our girl about 16, so tall, slender with long golden hair? She looks a bit rough to me”
“What do you mean Daddy” shrieked Aida “a hundred years? Aren’t I young? Aren’t I beautiful? Somebody pass me a mirror.”
The queen shook her head “I’m not sure that’s a good idea; I mean what can you expect after a hundred years? No you’ve decidedly gone to pot dear. Let’s leave it a few days till you’re feeling stronger. Anyway there are a few other tiny changes as well.”
“What changes?” squeaked Aida examining her grey locks with veiny callused fingers.
“Well first of all dear” said her Mother blushing “after you dropped orf to sleep, the leylandii around the palace shot up ridiculously. We couldn’t understand it; it was exceptionally wet that year but 240 feet in twenty-four hours seemed excessive. Anyway the neighbours complained to the council and they sent us an impossibly rude letter saying we had a week to cut it or they’d do it and charge us, the cheek of it.
Then things got really nasty all the papers started making things up, saying daddy had done you in, it was really horrid wasn’t it darling?
In fact all the nasty commoners became rather hostile, they’re not very bright after all. There were wicked incidents involving rotten eggs on walkabouts and often one arose to find lewd gwaffiti on the palace doors, it was all a tiny bit disturbing.
Anyhow we were advised by our PR people to go onto reality TV, to put our side of the story as it were.
It all went rather well at first. But the offers kept coming and gradually we lost all credibility. It was shameful there was Queen Swap where I had to rough it in a lesser-known principality where the woman kept corgis in the castle and all of her children were divorced; imagine.
Then there was I’m a Royal Get me out of here. It was horrid daddy and I had to eat baked beans and sleep in something called a council house. Imagine one was only allowed one body servant. But just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse there was a credit crunch."
“A credit what?” asked Aida.
“Albert!” the queen shrieked and kicked his walking frame “explain please”.
The king’s eyes shot open “Well err, err” he said “we don’t fully understand it ourselves; normally one doesn’t handle anything as common as money. But some imbecile invested our stuff heavily in Icelandic banks and it must have been so cold over there that it became frozen or something; there’s an email about it somewhere” he pointed at the computer.
“After that” said the Queen “things went from bad to worse. Despite showing a clear profit on pageants and royal visits the bank foreclosed on the family business. Eventually we sank so low we had to run the palace as a themed restaurant.”
“Yes” added the king “as you know your mother’s never cooked for a large party before. In fact, well to tell the truth she didn’t know at first which end to open a potatot at, so catering seemed the obvious way forward.
I don’t know who that Garden Rumsey thinks he is with all those F words. Just because we’d been letting things slide a tad in the palace kitchen.”
“Well Aida darling” said the queen, tears in her eyes “it’s a good thing you woke up today because we’ve decided file for bankruptcy and go live the dream in Spain.”
“Yes” said the king having totally failed here what we really need is the challenge of a totally unknown language and inexplicable legal system.”
“But what about me?” wailed Aida “I’ve lost my looks, I’m ruined financially and after a hundred years without brushing my teeth my breath is melting the paint.”
“Yes we know dear” said the queen wrinkling her nose. But don’t fuss, mumsie has sorted everything out. Whilst you were lazing about I got you a spot on a hundred years younger dear. There, there they’ll soon have my baby botoxed, lipro-sucked, coiffeured, manicured and degreased.
And Daddy's been at it too he sold your story to Hello magazine who want you to do an article on sleep disorders.
Cheer up! If it all goes wrong you can always visit us in Spain, well once your father has renovating our new 800-year-old Castle that is. Better start reading up on DIY now Albert, Albert! Oh do try and stay awake dear...”
posted by Sue hardy-Dawson at 12/01/2009 09:10:00 PM
12 comments
